Classic Movies That Should NEVER Be Remade!

6 Aug

Hollywood has a bad habit of rehashing old classics to disastrous results. We have Planet of The Apes, Psycho, The Longest Yard and who can forget the horrific epic fail that was Clash of the Titans. These are prime examples of “if it ain’t broke don’t try to fix it” motto. Remaking a film is not easy and should be avoided unless it is in the worthy hands of someone who understood why the original is a classic in the first place. There has to be a legitimate reason for an update. Plus the update needs to be adding something to the original without completely losing the essence of the original. I know it is hard to keep up but this is the criteria I have set for all the people thinking of remaking some of the classics we know and love. These films are called “CLASSICS” for a reason Mr. Hollywood Exec that thinks he is the next damn Ari Gold! So here is my list of the top films that SHOULD NEVER be remade! (in no particular order)

1. The Goonies

The Goonies is a 1985 American adventure-comedy film directed by Richard Donner. This lovable movie has crooks, bats, cobwebs, skeletons, a lovable monster faced man, and a treasure hidden by some of the most considerate, clue-loving pirates who ever lived. It is really hard not to love this film. I really truly think that this movie would be hard to cast today. I mean no one can reproduce that “Truffle Shuffle” and let’s face it Data the Asian kid is a lovable character but he would come off kinda racist by today’s standards. I mean the kid was raised here in the US and he still managed to hold onto to a stereotypical Asian accent (I’m just saying) But it was the 80’s and these were the things you could get away with then. I continue to enjoy this movie and I believe it should never be redone!

Look the movie was a stretch the first time around. I mean the whole damn thing takes place in a library with the same 5 students. Truly a John Hughes classic! Can you name 5 young actors known today that can play those parts? I sure can’t. Anyone attempting to play Judd Nelson’s nuanced and troubled Bender will just be a complete mess. Bender is such an iconic role even to this day I would feel bad for the actor that actually tries to attempt it. Do not touch this film because I am not even sure we have any directors working today that can tap into teen angst the way John Hughes did so expertly in the 80’s. Plus, do kids even get sent to detention anymore?

3. Enter the Dragon

Bruce Lee plays Lee , a Shaolin monk sent to a  tournament to investigate the dealings of suspected drug dealer named Han. This movie has some of the best fight scenes EVER!! But the main reason is very simple. BRUCE LEE IS ENTER THE DRAGON! In my personal opinion they are one and the same so if you are a Hollywood exec looking for a Bruce Lee you have failed even before you have begun.

This movie had a power house cast that included the likes of Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, and Rodney Dangerfield and plenty more. But trying to find actors to take over those spots alone is a daunting feat in itself so why even attempt it?

5. Back To The Future

Look they are lucky we bought the premise the first time around because this movie is kinda creepy if you think about it. Marty McFly goes back in time and finds that his mom (Lorraine) has the hots for him instead of his future father (George). Marty spends the movie trying to get George and Lorranie together because if he doesn’t he will never be born which means he will not exist. But the thing that gets me is this. Lorraine and George get together, get married and have a baby they name “Marty” after the guy they went to high school with and the baby grows up to look EXACTLY like their “classmate” Marty from High school? If I was George I think I would have called Maury Povich! But the point remains who the hell can remake that!!
OK so this is another one of my all time favorite films and there are some many one liners that people can quote from this movie but I have to admit that my all time favorite line is “We’ve Got Bush”. I know I am so filthy but I can’t help but say that line every time I watch this movie. OK so casting this one won’t be that hard. I am guessing a casting director would put immediate calls to Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Jonah Hill and I would even throw in Jay Baruchel from She’s Out of my League but this movie just doesn’t want or need to be remade. Plus I guarantee that no one and I mean no one can duplicate the laugh of Lewis Skolnick but Robert Carradine.

Aww the movie that gave pointless hope to the whores of the world! I am 100% against this!  This script was already stupid to begin with. I have watched enough episodes of hookers on the point on HBO to know that  prostitutes do not end up finding true love on the job. But because Julia Roberts is such a superb actress you totally buy into the story and I just don’t believe there is a young actress working today that has those kind of chops. This movie will defiantly lose all of it’s charm if it were ever to be remade.

8. Home Alone

Look after Macaulay Culkin left the role of the mischievous Kevin McAllister behind this franchise shot straight to hell. There is one very good reason for this. The reason is MACAULAY CULKIN! Unless you can find a kid with that unique combination of cute, funny and mischief then there is NO POINT in trying to make this movie.

9. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

OK Matthew Boderick to me will forever be Ferris Bueller! That is the only reasoning I have. That recasting the role of Ferris Bueller itself will be utterly impossible and therefore it should never get done! Plus John Hughes comedy could never be redone and capture it’s original essence.

10. Say Anything

Look as far as high school romances go the one between Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) and Diane Court (Ione Skye) never gets old or feels forced. Plus the iconic pop culture image that was created in Lloyd’s classic boom box scene just can’t be duplicated. To do so would totally cheapen this classic and I do not want pop culture history to be altered. These things need to be preserved damn it people! I just fear that if this movie gets remade the classic song playing from that boom box will be the latest vomit inducing single from Drake instead of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes”. I really do not need Drake blasting”I better find your loving”

11. The Warriors

OK last I heard there was indeed a remake in the works where the story takes place in Los Angeles! Already they made a crucial mistake. I know they are not trying to give us more of the same but this story has to be told in New York City! Why doesn’t Hollywood ever want to be true to the source material. The original was based on a book for gods sake read the goddamn book! If the Warriors are in Los Angeles why can’t they just get in a car and go the hell home on the damn freeway. This movie was a product of its time, and it can never be replicated so why try? Who in world would play the DJ? Who else would have the perfect voice matched with the perfect set of soup coolers like Lynne Thigpen?

Also I doubt anyone can play Luther but David Patrick Kelly. Check out the clip below and tell me one person that can reproduce that iconic scene without making it look like a cheap imitation!

12. Beverly Hills Cop

This is going to be short and sweet. No one can play Det. Alex Foley but Eddie Murphy! That’s it. That’s all. Since I think there should also be no more Beverly Hills Cop sequels there should definitely be no remakes!

13. Robocop

Does a movie with already a butt load of imagination behind it really need a “re-imaging”? No, I don’t think so! So just leave Robocop alone. If I want to watch it all I have to do is pop in the DVD. I really don’t need you casting some person I would never ever want to see in the Robocop costume anyway. I actually shudder at the thought of casting a remake!

14. Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Now I am not against a remake of this movie because the first one was not a classic. Nope the first one is a campy mess and it should have its chance at a decent reboot to show what the original was always meant to be. But word through the grapevine is Joss Whedon the creator of the whole Buffyverse is not going to be involved?! Really, I mean really. What is the point of a Buffy reboot if you are not going to have Joss Whedon do it?! These executives really scare me! I haven’t heard much more about this one recently but like all evil plots there is someone in an evil chamber somewhere going over the final details of this diabolical plot so it’s only a matter of time before we have a shitastic trailer on our hands.

So there you have it my list for the classics I believe should never be remade. Did I leave out any of your favorites?! Leave your comments below.


2 Responses to “Classic Movies That Should NEVER Be Remade!”

  1. Anonymous August 9, 2010 at 6:49 am #

    >I agree wit you, but some things I wouldn't mind wondering what it would look like if some movies were made during this time where technology is now far more advanced (imagine Ghostbusters with the movie technology now), now don't get me wrong, some movie remakes are pretty good (The Step Father, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead) while some…suck major ass (Holloween, Nightmare on elm street), personally I would like to see a RoboCop remake just for the simple fact that it would look amazing with today's technology but a part of me thinks it should still be left alone. sniperspiderman XBL

  2. BlackCanary007 August 9, 2010 at 6:27 pm #

    >Yeah Sniper I think Ghostbusters would be cool as an addition to the franchise instead of a complete reboot. Robocop would be a cool remake with all the technical advances we have made but they would find a way to completely destroy the story so I say just leave it alone.

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